Saturday, July 14, 2012

Back to Basics

I don't even know if I can, at this point, even put into words what I am feeling. Where we are or where we are going. I do know that right now, I am struggling with where God has put me. What his plan is. I am not always sure right now that I want to be where he has put us right now. Kind of blows the name of this blog right out of the water, doesn't it? I don't really remember many times in my life where I have really questioned God's plan for my life like I am right now. Where I have been so unsure. (I am even developing a fondness for overuse of sentence fragments!!)

My depression has really taken hold in a way I don't remember it doing many times in my life. I have started to lean on God in ways I have not in probably 13 or 14 years, and that is good. But it is painful here. These are the places where we grow. We don't grow where things are easy. We don't grow on the mountain tops. We grown in the valleys.
(Great picture of the Valley of the Bones, don't you think?) For me the valley has been a really lonely place. My wonderful husband is fighting his own battles. My kids are being kids.  Enjoying their own lives,  fighting with their siblings. We are preparing them to fight their own spiritual battles. Sometimes they are being used to contribute to my battle, and they don't even know it. AND THAT MAKES ME ANGRY! HOW DARE THE ENEMY USE MY CHILDREN! So we work to educate them and try to learn the same principles that we teach them.

And I find myself spending more and more time in my Bible. And that is good. Learning God's Word. His promises. He will not leave me. He will not forsake me. Even when I let my humanness lets me think he is so far away, I have to remember that is a lie from the enemy. God is with me. His work says so. And God cannot lie. It is not a part of who he is. "The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” Deut. 31:8 When I go through such a dark season, I have to cling to his promises. I have to stop trying to do things on my own.

Pray. Pray. Pray. Did I mention to pray? It is constant! With each stroke of the keyboard. I pray as I read. As I counsel my children. As I see pictures of friend and family I pray for them. As I see my own picture I pray for myself. As I was dishes I pray (because my children never seem to see all of the dishes that seem to need be washed, THAT I don't understand.) As I make the bed or do the laundry I pray.

And I allow myself to feel my emotions. When I need to cry, I cry. I think my children are tired of seeing Mom cry. But it is better than seeing Mom lose her temper because she has held emotions in for weeks on end. It is important for them to see what they do does effect other people. And when I am just sad it is okay to show that.  

So, God and I working this out.  I am still not sure why I am here, but here I am, willing to do what he wants. Just wondering what that is.

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